Rejoice, you are now the lucky vessel of my neuroticism and creativity (yeah right).
I promise to overlook your sharp edges and fascinating ugliness (potential baby names: Rorschach, John Merrick). I was spoilt with my old Sony Vaio, it was a beautiful woman with gentle curves (sounding a bit gay here). But NO, you are a sleek monolith with no need for tawdry decor!
I promise to update you properly, protect you from virusy harm (sorry about this morning) and change your metaphorical nappy when needed (what?). I promise to install and master Photoshop, rather than just The Sims 2. I promise to upload my art and photography, rather than staying up to read rude fanfics. I promise to hunt for interesting work, rather than stalking people on the internet. I promise to use you for inspiration and personal development, rather than scrolling through amusing cat photos. I promise to stick up for your homely averageness when my boyfriend bullies you for not being fast or powerful enough (which he will). You're just about right for me.
In return, please keep my secrets safe and secure, so I don't end up in nude photo scandal shocker/blackmail hell. Not like I take any (sorry to disappoint). Here's to a fresh start and a few years snuggling up and slaving over the keyboard together.
Love from Natalie (a girl who writes for a living yet is appalling at poetry, and who hasn't owned a laptop since last year). *pats your wee laptop head*