What's that sexeh book you're reading?

I've come a long way baby, from being caught as a child red-faced and flustered with my nose in a Mills & Boon novel.

Whether or not it's a pile of crap, Fifty Shades of Grey may do for Waterstones' erotica section what Twilight did for 'Teen Paranormal Romance'. No book club would have a serious discussion about "The Millionaire's Spanky Slave", but evidently an ambiguous title/cover can work wonders.

Looks like a real book. Will this dispel any lingering stereotypes of dirty old men in dirty old macs? Has this woefully underrepresented genre reached a literary pinnacle?

"Why don't you like to be touched" Ana whispered, staring up into soft grey eyes.

"Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia"

And more, brilliantly illustrated with stock photos.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-15-bestworst-lines-from-erotic-bestseller-fif

Well this is quite not the sexual revolution I was hoping for. More like Mills & Boon doing bondage for beginners. Am I supposed to be laughing?! Fook, I can't put it better than this Amazon review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R53SXA5IQFRKH/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0099579936&nodeID=266239&store=books

But never mind, here are six sexeh book examples that are better written/more unintentionally hilarious/more imaginatively shocking than Fifty Shades of Rubbish and Gay.

Horrible.

Laurell K. Hamilton's 'Merry Gentry' series 
Merry is a fairy princess with a harem of multicoloured bodyguards (each with a two page description of their magical hair/eye/pube colour). Did I mention she's also a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR? Sprouting wings, glowing, and literally "making the earth move" is a regular sexual occurrence.

D. H. Lawrence's 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'
Obviously not as shocking as it must have been (it got banned!), the descriptions are really quite beautiful, and there's SOUL in there. Scenes that actually touch on how tender, integral and amazing having sex is, mentally and physically. The gardener has a hawt working class accent too. Thee and thar and thysen.

ALAN FREAKIN' MOORE'S 'Lost Girls'
If you're easily offended, Lost Girls may not be for you. Everyone and everything gets a look in, the (very) young, the old, even a friendly horse gets a go. Gorgeously drawn in storybook brights, you'll recognise all your favourite characters from childhood in a variety of familiar situations.

"AN ENGAGING AND WELL-DRAWN STORY."

Toshio Maeda's 'Adventure Kid'
Ever wanted to see a what it looks like inside a Japanese schoolgirl, while she's being "tentacled" by some weird creature from another dimension? If not, you probably shouldn't read any of Maeda's manga. Diagrams, X-Ray vision and a bizarre technical accuracy makes for some fairly odd reading.

Syra Bond's 'Trogan Slaves'
Fifty Shades wasn't kinky enough for you? How about something to make it seem like missionary with the lights off. This is just plain unpleasant to read, one of those hardcore S & M books that degrades it's characters so much you want to cry. Best to read out loud as a joke, to dull how scary it is.

Anais Nin's 'Little Birds'
Lent to me by my chum Camille, a very well written collection of short erotic stories. You feel like you're reading A Book with this, and the writing is so lovely it's like poetry. The plots are just strange enough to be imaginative and edgy, rather than a creepy wankathon, or an Anne Summers cliche-fest.

Not forgetting all that "M" rated fanfiction on the web; there's nothing better than reading about character A doing it with character B from your most beloved television series/book/video game (part of the appeal of Lost Girls I guess). If you want to make new friends, I'd suggest announcing your love of Snarry in a public place, the effect is surprising.

Maybe I should do a recommendation list just for fanfics. Y'know, if I wasn't geeky enough.

I haven't written that bestseller yet, but I'm still enjoying the freelance copywriting! There's always my plan of trying out to become a Mills & Boon writer someday (if you can't beat them join them)...

Currently reading this hot stuff.

Inevitable BEFORE WATCHMEN post.

I don't know exactly how I feel about this. It's like enjoying a cake that you know has been stolen.

Alan Moore is turning in his still alive, and he's justified in calling the prequels "completely shameless". He always made it clear how he felt about this; DC have gone ahead and done it anyway! Soulless corporate shits!

BUUUT. These new issues are never going to be canon, they're not pretending to be anything but a tribute, they're essentially glorified fanfiction and on that level I'll probably really enjoy them. Alsooo (this has been brought up so many times now that the argument seems a little desperate), would the authors of the characters Moore used in Lost Girls and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen think he was equally shameless hmmm?

Though on that point, they'd been dead a while and Moore had employed the characters in a whole new concept so it's nothing like this but it is and oh dear me I'm even boring myself now!

Making these prequels is totally missing the point of the original and yes I bet DC have big ol' dollar signs in their hungry eyes, but they could actually just be well, really good.. I love Watchmen. And I couldn't say no to MOAR WATCHMEN. It would be ignorant to hate these new interpretations without even reading them.

If they mess it up though I'll cry and bitch like I did when I saw the abomination that was BBC's Gormenghast. I'm still getting over that beast. But I hope I've made a reasonably fair comment, feel free to join me in heated discussion if you so desire.

Maybe Saturday Morning Watchmen will actually get made now haw haw haw. Poor Alan.