Things I should be making.

Music. 

I used to have piano, violin and bass guitar lessons. Unlike riding a bike, I remember fuck all about these apart from Chopsticks and Smoke on the Water. I also have an acoustic guitar, a vintage harmonica and a pink melodica lying around. And I’m still pretty nifty on the recorder!

Doodles.

Getting back into cartoons again, my fellow (who’s also a guitar whizz, so envious) did an animation course and it’s really re-sparked an interest in them. I always dreamt of becoming a cartoonist, but it’s hard picking up my pencil after a long break! Watch this space, I might even upload some old embarrassing stuff.

Love not war.

Well at least that’s one out of the three.

Hair crushes.

Karen Gillan of Dr. Who fame, Spiderman’s new girlfriend Emma Stone, Spiderman’s old girlfriend Kirsten Dunst, and Christina Hendricks from Mad Men.

Dying later today (my hair, not actual death), so hoping I’ll turn out like one of these ladies, rather than like a cartoon character!

What's that sexeh book you're reading?

I've come a long way baby, from being caught as a child red-faced and flustered with my nose in a Mills & Boon novel.

Whether or not it's a pile of crap, Fifty Shades of Grey may do for Waterstones' erotica section what Twilight did for 'Teen Paranormal Romance'. No book club would have a serious discussion about "The Millionaire's Spanky Slave", but evidently an ambiguous title/cover can work wonders.

Looks like a real book. Will this dispel any lingering stereotypes of dirty old men in dirty old macs? Has this woefully underrepresented genre reached a literary pinnacle?

"Why don't you like to be touched" Ana whispered, staring up into soft grey eyes.

"Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia"

And more, brilliantly illustrated with stock photos.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-15-bestworst-lines-from-erotic-bestseller-fif

Well this is quite not the sexual revolution I was hoping for. More like Mills & Boon doing bondage for beginners. Am I supposed to be laughing?! Fook, I can't put it better than this Amazon review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R53SXA5IQFRKH/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0099579936&nodeID=266239&store=books

But never mind, here are six sexeh book examples that are better written/more unintentionally hilarious/more imaginatively shocking than Fifty Shades of Rubbish and Gay.

Horrible.

Laurell K. Hamilton's 'Merry Gentry' series 
Merry is a fairy princess with a harem of multicoloured bodyguards (each with a two page description of their magical hair/eye/pube colour). Did I mention she's also a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR? Sprouting wings, glowing, and literally "making the earth move" is a regular sexual occurrence.

D. H. Lawrence's 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'
Obviously not as shocking as it must have been (it got banned!), the descriptions are really quite beautiful, and there's SOUL in there. Scenes that actually touch on how tender, integral and amazing having sex is, mentally and physically. The gardener has a hawt working class accent too. Thee and thar and thysen.

ALAN FREAKIN' MOORE'S 'Lost Girls'
If you're easily offended, Lost Girls may not be for you. Everyone and everything gets a look in, the (very) young, the old, even a friendly horse gets a go. Gorgeously drawn in storybook brights, you'll recognise all your favourite characters from childhood in a variety of familiar situations.

"AN ENGAGING AND WELL-DRAWN STORY."

Toshio Maeda's 'Adventure Kid'
Ever wanted to see a what it looks like inside a Japanese schoolgirl, while she's being "tentacled" by some weird creature from another dimension? If not, you probably shouldn't read any of Maeda's manga. Diagrams, X-Ray vision and a bizarre technical accuracy makes for some fairly odd reading.

Syra Bond's 'Trogan Slaves'
Fifty Shades wasn't kinky enough for you? How about something to make it seem like missionary with the lights off. This is just plain unpleasant to read, one of those hardcore S & M books that degrades it's characters so much you want to cry. Best to read out loud as a joke, to dull how scary it is.

Anais Nin's 'Little Birds'
Lent to me by my chum Camille, a very well written collection of short erotic stories. You feel like you're reading A Book with this, and the writing is so lovely it's like poetry. The plots are just strange enough to be imaginative and edgy, rather than a creepy wankathon, or an Anne Summers cliche-fest.

Not forgetting all that "M" rated fanfiction on the web; there's nothing better than reading about character A doing it with character B from your most beloved television series/book/video game (part of the appeal of Lost Girls I guess). If you want to make new friends, I'd suggest announcing your love of Snarry in a public place, the effect is surprising.

Maybe I should do a recommendation list just for fanfics. Y'know, if I wasn't geeky enough.

I haven't written that bestseller yet, but I'm still enjoying the freelance copywriting! There's always my plan of trying out to become a Mills & Boon writer someday (if you can't beat them join them)...

Currently reading this hot stuff.

Land of no hope and sorry.

The Jubilee's been over nearly a month, and we're shite at football. Really, you can take the flags down now!

(wouldn't be surpirsed if my BNP-voting village kept them up for the wrong reasons anyway)

Community spirit seems to mean pretending it's the 50s and baking a cake for the neighbours you never speak to, or thumping your chest at some kind of sporting event. Evidently the only way to bring our nation together is by wearing silly hats, and getting together in a pub to slag off other countries.

Although for Eurovision, everyone in my local pub bizarrely decided they were Swedish for the night, right down to the flags. It was like we didn't even come third from last because everyone hates us!

Does anybody care about the Olympics either? There's a decidedly "meh" reaction to it all; billions being spent on something we'll never win at, when everyone's feeling so poor. Maybe I just don't get it, I was always crap at P.E. afterall.

Humming "imagine there's no countries" when I should be grunting and waving an England flag.

Silence of the lambs, and an ART REVIEW!?

Not updating in nearly two months? Shameful.

My “blogging” has become rather pitiful recently (wasn’t it always so?) due to a) being too busy, b) forgetting I have a blog, and c) not wanting to bore cyberspace with endless smug entries that are only of interest to pervs.

However, I have managed to bitch about this year's Fine Art degree show on Tumblr:

"Big slabs of kitsch bathroom nothingness, washed down with dollops of shameless nostalgia and bad taste. Mmm my favourite. Does it make me want to do art again? Maybe."

And I wrote this self-explanatory teenage gem:

"Yes, I’d be sick of my Smug McGee antics too. I guess some people just forget what it’s like (I know I had). His name’s Jake. He’s distracting."

D'aww! All that and more.

But anyway, I’ll try to update more often from now on, promise! It’s good to blog. I don’t even know who I’m apologising to. God?

Love and public displays of affection, The Mills.

P.S. PROMETHEUS!

Sweet charity, a muzak-al.

I’ve never decorated a shop window mannequin before, but I think I did a pretty good job today! It looked a bit like a boy/a member of B*Witched, wearing TWO different kinds of denim. I know about the denim rule, but my mannequin breaks all the rules of fashion.

Due to royalties, the charity shop I volunteer at now only plays a selection of 5 wrist-slittingly bad CDs. They’re actually awful. Like someone dropped a synthesiser down a well, and it’s clanging around repeatedly against the sides trying to escape.

The song titles are also imaginative; such as “Rain”, “Mountain Rain” and “Snow”. I’m thankful I don’t have a job composing this stuff, how do they sleep at night.

(this is rich coming from someone who thinks up “amusing” puns for a living)

Boots has a strange choice of background music too, listen and you’ll hear a strange repeating melancholy tinkle. It’s a bit depressing really, which isn’t brilliant as a lot of people go there to buy medicine and will probably come out thinking they will die.

It took me a sec before I realised why May the fourthhh is Star Wars day.

Scarborough disposables.

Even more Scarborough, this time in the form of last year’s disposable camera offerings. I'd really like one of those scooters someday!